Feeling very frustrated tonight. So bored these days, sitting down in dearborn, mi and seeing the show twice a day every day is blah... Frustatrated at Mik and others.. but it's mostly me causing these problems.... in my own head... i stopped taking the pill to see if the pressure and anxiety would stop, but it hasn't. It is still there... and the damn lump in my throat, and my lungs hurt and I am tired all the time, and now I am constipated.. Seriously what do I have to do to feel normal again? I want to know what is going on here. I CANNOT relax, I don't understand it.
I do yoga sometimes, and it evokes this sense of awkwardness and insecurity in me, the kind of feeling i used to get ALOT as a teenager, and it is not fun. Makes me feel unworthy and scared, and akward and ugly and useless.. it's one of the worst emotions i have ever felt, and i don't feel it very often, but I remember having it a lot as a teen and when I do yoga I feel it. Is that weird?
Perhaps this tension and stress and things are being held inside me somewhere and the yoga releases it, but by releasing it it sure doesn't make me feel any better.
I just feel this pressure in my head almost at all times, and it restricts me from just letting go and enjoying things. Throughout the course of the summer I have tried to remedy this via different things, and yet nothing has prevailed... I do need a vacation ... I've practically been going non stop since febuary, i need some time to not worry about what I am doing, where I am at, who i am with, etc... just to wake up and not think. November.

Touring is a double edged sword, it really is. It can be so alluring and exciting, the fast paced atmosphere of it all. Seeing new places , new people, new challenges at every venue. It is an can be very addicting because you know that no matter what happens it will all be over in a day, or a week, and you see some pretty amazing things along the way. You are trapped on a bus usually with a handful of people and they become your family and bonds are made, whether you actively try or not, always together. But along with all this comes the hours, crazy morning hours, long 12 hour days, ridiculous people that you have to work with that you can't stand, no privacy or alone time. I've seen more 6ams then i care to, ha! I have one coming up this Monday, actually a 4am... sigh.
These pros and cons make for a very interesting combination. The last tour I was on brought a lot of grief, with the un organization and cheap nature of the company i was working for, there was some pretty low lows, and yet there was some pretty amazing highs. Ones that made the lows worth it. I saw so much of the country that I had never seen , vegas, grand canyon, oregon, washington, it was great! I was with my boyfriend as well, which was amazing to be able to pull that one off.
So here I am again, on another tour Tired, exhausted.. ha... long days.. nice hotels though, and a MASH superstar. This show is a great one, supposedly the number one show in america now... with the help from Bill Christopher. The ladies are wonderful, but the men I have to work for are ridiculous. Alcohlics, overgrown children who are negative and egotistical, very difficult to deal with.
I get a thrill from the sounds of immense laughter that fill the theater, guffawing. I rarely hear anyone react as these crowds react to this show. It is a HIT, with the right demographic of course... the older people.. tears aer streaming from their eyes, they are so thrilled. It's a wonderful feeling, to be a part of bringing that to people.

i get to hang with william christopher for a while..
i guess he's some type of superstar.. with people chasing him down and us having to keep him hidden.. haha

I am finishing my summer here in Medora, North Dakota, in the heart of the badlands. It was an interesting summer, we actually never really got any warm weather until this week! Well it's relative we had nice weather but not hot summer weather.. it was in the 70's most of the summer and cool at night... lots of rain. Last summer ND was brown and wilting, this year it is green and thriving, it's a wonderful sight!
I spent my time hiking quite a bit, in the theodore roosevelt national park with the buffalo, prarie dogs and wild horses... I have climbed my fair share of buttes this summer... it's good for the butt.. haha.. (ok enough of that).
We also took some trips to Montana and hiked there and spent one evening on the shore of Lake Sakakawea and rented a motor boat the next day. I explored quite a bit and found the hobby of letterboxing in which people hide boxes with stamps in them and logs and leave clues on the internet for one to go find. Letterboxing.org... check it out I bet there are lots near you!
I am writing this as the Peking Acrobats are climbing a tower of stacked chairs about 50 30 feet high, one of the acrobats is the asian from all those oceans eleven films, they are very good.

In one week I will be heading to Milaukwee to join an equity tour of the musical Church Basement Ladies, the same as I did last fall. It stars Bill Christopher who played Father Malcahy in MASH, and should be a GREAT tour. It is already in progress and I will be stepping in for the sound guy. It is equity which means we get GREAT hotel rooms and wonderful food... I am looking forward to a chance but a bit sad I have missed out on a little vacation time! But I will have that in November when I plan on going to PA and then in December when I plan on going to TN.

All is well, I am throwing around the idea of starting a web page of my travels and a blog... we willl see if it come to fruitition
Hope all is well
Kristin

PS pics from this summer arehere if you haven't seen them already..

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=122825&id=516323326&l=d0a5d4b723

another day in the most rural state looms ahead of me...
abbreviated day, since i was able to sleep til 1130 ha
well was up til around 3 watching that rock doc on left eye... interesting..

so here i am, what to do today, not sure much will come of the day....

was feeling good now just kind of agigitated..
sigh

feeling really good today.. sometimes I just wake up and feel great..i wish I could determine what it is that allows this.. cause some days I wake up and just feel shitty..
hmm.. i am streching more.. because in my older age I am feeling more stiff then I ever have... and i'm trying to breath deeper...

it's a hot one out there today. not as hot as the last two days.. but near 90 i would guess..
i'm gonna bike into town. 24-26 miles...all back dirt roads, lots of oil pumps and cows... it's gonna feel great!
sweaty and great!

making a veggie quesidilla now... the off..

still in north dakota... it's getting hot!
the rain has stopped.. haven't seen hide nor hair of it in a couple weeks.. i miss it!
soon a big storm is brewing .. i hope at least..

i have to remind myself how little i work and how much i am paid and of all the good things, as the summer drags on and i head to work EVERY night... i have to dig for the happiness....

and it's there,

i should be blogging more often, of all the little things, and trips and excursions... i want to do more of it especially as my fall tour starts....

so what happened today.... i slept in.. i was a bum.. we were supposed to go to the northern unit of the theodore roosevelt national park but i wanted to be a bum... and it was hot.. so stayed in our trailer... helped the fiddler get his stuff together for cirque... and watched a bad horror movie, and ate at the chuck wagon. yes it's as bad as it sounds! but free!
cirque called a couple weeks back.. got me all excited about a gig in tokyo and now i haven't heard anything from them.. oh well...
i want to get the fiddler in gear .. he deserves cirque.... and with some work it is attainable for both of us... the trick is getting on the same show!.. ha!

north dakota is green!
i know this is only my 2nd year here but damn.. the grass is out of control. and the rain.. it almost rains at least a little bit every day!
last year we went weeks without rain.. it's awesome!!
it usually doesn't rain at the right time to cancel the show, but tonight it did... and the drive home was fun... dark skies with a scattering of low hanging white clouds, and crazy streaky lightning... love it!

makes for some muddy hiking though... but i still get out there and hike when i can.. tomorrow i think i will.. the painted canyon..
i saw my first rattle snake out there a couple weeks back.. exciting! i hope to see another one... and of course buffalo are always fun!

i love applebees spinach and artichoke dip btw.. just so it's known!

got another church basement ladies tour for all of fall... which is good and bad.. it means no poconos for me in the fall.. which i LOVE... and it means no fiddler for me for 2-3 months.. but it does mean good company , and good money, and I get to work again with bill christopher from MASH.... and it's an easy gig.... then winter.. i think i'll go to TN for that.. at least be a bit warmer then PA..
rented my cottage out yet again.. but this time I think I may have gotten a good egg.. we shall see...

all is well! :)
in one week the fiddler and i head to a lake in the middle of the night after a show... and stay the night in a cabin and hopefully tool around on the lake in a motor boat we rent the next day.. i am looking forward to it..
it's the little things out here.. in ND the middle of nowhere!

well it's my 30th!
gonna go hike out to a secluded butte and set up a tent and picnic, and laze.. we were gonna shoot off model rockets but it's really windy as it so often gets out here..
the best present mother nature could give me right now is a rain storm around 730 .. then a canceled show!
ha
might happen...
all is well for now!
off to hike!

biked from home to work yesterday.. 22 some odd miles.. the first time i did it .. it was no problem.. but yesterday it was dusty and windy and i was spent.. so today i am taking it easy.. and my thighs are TIRED!
big show tonight.. lots of people in town..
bored though... gotta find some things to do...
a big life change wouldn't be uninvited.. ha!

show has opened... has gone really well so far.. and finally today the designer and director are gone.. so i'm free .. it's my show now..
the double wide is working out nicely.. the dead animal smell seems to have dissapated... now the summer begins.. lots of down time and relaxing..
i think it's going to be really nice... despite that 30th bday in there!

woke up to a couple inches of snow this morning!
ha... good old north dakota... and still there is a chance we might have to do a show this evening..

oh well for now i'll stay warm in my bed and perhaps go back to sleep!

the bar was fine until they decided to turn the jukebox on loud as all get out... same old iron horse.. with a different name.

had a blue moon and we left.

once i come down a bit i bet i will sleep well.. i am anxious though and probably will be until rehearsals are over and all the big shots are gone.



while i was hiking today... about 6 or 7 miles into the hike.. feeling the heat and trying to avoid buffalo, i was up on a huge grassy plain, as far as the eye could see.. and for the life of me i could not figure out what i was seeing about a mile away... i felt like i was hallucinating.. and as i got closer to this weird moving object i still couldn't make it out. i as honestly scared for a second it was some weird flying monster that was going to get me out in the middle of nowhere.. (i guess i needed some water) but it turned out it was two people walking side by side... but before i could even get to them they turned off the path and went down a huge cliff.... i still wonder really if they existed... it was very odd.



then i saw some deer running in unison, off in the distance, that was kind of cool too... better then buffalo staring me down and freaking me out.



i feel more often then not that my life is passing as a bunch of moments, disconnected ... and the more time that goes by the more i feel a bit of disassociation... and it's unfulfilling... what really excites me anymore, what moment will last and not pass as a faded memory.

i wonder if i need something more, something that i hate to ponder because it scares me to death.. but something that i find myself going more towards the older i get.

i wonder if it's what i need to make these moments more of a bigger landscape, more meaningful... not just to me...



and if that is the case, isn't that cliche, wouldn't that end my adventures, or would that be the ultimate adventure....

driving half way cross country...
did almost 750 miles yesterday.. ow
but i'm listening the the ruins on tape... which is actually quite delightful, better since i haven't seen the movie and books are almost always better..
what will happen next..now that the vines are starting to attack.. ooohhhh
only going about 500 miles today...
then 400 the next day..
then work time.. sigh
but it's in the badlands and there is ample oppurtunities for biking and hiking... :)

The tour ended and what a ride that was. I saw so many parts of the country.
The tour for me was more focused on my relationship with the fiddler than my interactions with the cast and crew. It was a good test in the permanence(?) of what we have. And yes I was questioning a lot of things out there, and a lot of things brimmed to the surface, but we talk about everything. We are not afraid to bring up nasty and hard topics, and we struggled through them, sometimes not so quietly. In the end however, we ended up in a pretty good place. We dealt with the age issue, we dealt with my need of space and alone time, we dealt with a lot of small nuances that always come up when two people decide to share themselves completely, good bad and ugly.

So long story short, things are really good, and he really balances me out and fulfills most everything I ever wanted in a partner.

So there it is, for now


other things we saw along the way!
lots of snow!
three overturned semi trailers.. one hit a plow!
one car on fire
two forest fires
one helicopter landing on the highway
crazy wind and lots of tumbleweed, so crazy whole roads were shut down in arizona.
beautiful oregon and the columbia river, (which got me a right answer on trivial pursuit tonight because i knew the snake river ran into it)
toas and a ride along the rio grande
grand canyon of course
old old theaters
route 66 (almost all of it)
and lots of traffic


i wish i knew how to take the last two months and turn it into a more sufficient string of words, it was an absolutely absurd, interesting, crazy, amazing adventure...........
oh and tiring.

i will never forget
and it was so much more then the work at hand and gilligan... that was old hat for me, just doing my job.. it was every little thing along the way..
and like i said it was the partner i had along with me that will be what i remember

and if i never see another penske for as long as i live it won't be long enough!!!!
;)

my travels with gilligan the skipper maryanne, etc are through...
what a journey
all over the country in a penske and bus.
a more comprehensive summary will come later this week, when i am relaxing in the poconos...
tomorrow i fly home...

this three hour tour is over...

i'm in tracy california.
vacation has come and gone
it was amazing at the grand canyon and we had fun in vegas.
a little over two weeks left on this tour... one week spent mostly driving from california to michigan.
ha
yahoo
it hasn't been the easiest time spent with the fiddler.. we are ALWAYS together, in a truck or hotel room... and me needing my space, makes it hard.
but two weeks left.
and the good times are outweighing the bad by a lot

i just need a break,
and i've got it, but only about 5 days at home before i hit the road again.

perhaps i'll get the urge to post more, some day.

journaling has been lost to me for almost a year..
even m y own private journaling i want to rectify this.
:)

i'm in raton new mexico how cool is that???
seen some amazing sites driving around in the penske
driving across oregon was pretty rad
and driving through the rockies as well
i'll follow up with more later
i must sleep as of now

i don't feel right...
i felt it last night when i was talking to my mom.. she is leaving for turkey today for vacation.. and then worse today.. we are stuck in nebraska cause of high winds and snow and ice..
but the fiddler and the truck went on ahead.. cause they might fly the cast tomorrow morning to get us to washington by thursday... and the truck is either going south through more snow and 8 hours out of the way or west through wind and ice..
i dunno.
it felt wrong.
or maybe i'm just sad cause i've lost the fiddler for a couple days.
but i still feel uneasy about something.
booo

i'm worried for my mom and for the fiddler. and i'm not sure why

i'm traveling cross country with giligan's island the musical cast and crew...
they are too cheap to fly us all .. so we are taking four days and driving.

we are on our second day.. heading from st louis to mitchell south dakota (yes home of the corn palace) ...
long drives..
bus is comfortable though.. but i split my time between bus and truck because of the fiddler and because they are paying me extra to help him drive.

things are going pretty well..
our last venue was in a small southern baptist community in georgia...
it was a beautiful place.. in the woods on a lake.. but a strange christian vibe around..
the kind you can only find in the middle of nowhere below the bible belt.


there is a venue in washington that as going to cancel our show if we didn't have musicians.. so the fiddler gets to play.. and the TD will play guitar.. ha..
and kind of make up some music to set the scene..
very interesting.

tired today..
drove from ohio to interlochen last night, hit a snowstorm, i was driving the truck.. we were in the middle of nowhere..
it was weird.
at 45,000 a year boarding school for the arts..nice venue..
winter wonderland out here

heading to baraboo, wi tonight.. i hope to sleep as much as i can on the bus.